Corporate talk

“JOIN OUR FAST-PACED COMPANY”
We have no time to train you; you’ll have to introduce yourself to your co-workers.

“IMMEDIATE OPENING”
The person who used to have this job gave notice a month ago. We’re just now running the ad.

“PENSION/RETIREMENT BENEFITS”
After 3 years, we’ll allow you to fund your own 401(k) and, if you behave we’ll give you a 5 percent matching contribution. (“Maybe”)

“COMPETITIVE ENVIRONMENT”
We have a lot of turnover.

“EXCITING AND PROFESSIONAL WORK ENVIRONMENT”
Guys in gray suits will bore you with tales of squash and their weekends on yachts.

“JOIN OUR DYNAMIC TEAM”
We all listen to nutty motivational tapes.

“MUST BE DEADLINE ORIENTED”
You’ll be six months behind schedule on your first day and a year by the end of your first week.

“FLEXIBLE HOURS”
Work 40 hours; get paid for 25.

“DUTIES WILL VARY”
Anyone in the office can boss you around.

“MUST HAVE AN EYE FOR DETAIL”
We have no quality control.

“SEEKING CANDIDATES WITH WIDE VARIETY OF EXPERIENCE”
You’ll need it to replace three people who just quit.

“PROBLEM-SOLVING SKILLS A MUST”
You’re walking into a company in perpetual chaos.

“REQUIRES TEAM LEADERSHIP SKILLS”
You’ll have the responsibilities of a manager, without the pay or respect.

“GOOD COMMUNICATION SKILLS”
Management communicates, you listen, then try and figure out what they want and how to do it.

“ABILITY TO HANDLE A HEAVY WORKLOAD”
You whine, you’re fired.

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