1. No matter what my problem is, it’s the fault of someone other than
myself, and the appropriate response is to find that person and kill him
with my bare hands.
2. To be truly attractive, a woman must wear high heels and an outfit so
tight you can tell whether she’s cold or not from across the room.
3. There are two kinds of women in the world: The type that want to go to
bed with you, and the type want to kill you. Both types are physically
attractive and under 25 years old.
4. If I rudely argue with my boss in front of my co-workers, not only won’t
he fire me, but he will gain a profound respect for me.
5. If I can find an important enough mission, it will supercede my
obligations to perform household chores, bathe, and call the next day.
6. If I go without bathing, swear a lot, and treat women badly, they will
7. If a woman tries to clean a bullet wound and I curse in pain, she will
fall in love with me.
8. Anyone who isn’t a cop, mercenary soldier, and/or private investigator
is a homosexual. Or at least a sissy.
9. If I have a prolonged fist-fight with another guy and neither of us
dies, we will become best friends.
10. My arch-enemy will bear an uncanny resemblance in age and bearing to my
father, and he will make it clear that he has gained a deep respect for me
before I kill him with my bare hands.
11. When I shoot people, they will die quickly and cleanly, and I will
never be arrested or troubled by their widowed wife and children. When
people shoot me, however, I will at most receive a ‘flesh wound,’ which
will be tended to by a beautiful woman.
12. If I’m white I will befriend at least one black guy, or one white guy
if I’m black. If I am Latino the monster/villain will kill me halfway
through the film, urging the hero to even greater levels of violence.
13. If an aged scientist is involved in any way, he will have a beautiful
daughter who will gaze at me adoringly.
14. If royalty is involved, it will include a beautiful princess who will
gaze at me adoringly.
15. If I have a kid partner, he will be tightly-muscled, clean-cut, and
gaze at me adoringly.
16. If I am asked to compete against a world champion at any sport or game
of any type, I will win. This will infuriate my opponent, who will then try
to kill me.
17. If my opponent has a side-kick or henchman, he will never have a
sensible name like ‘Rick,’ or ‘Steve.’
18. Beautiful women will frequently furrow their brows with concern and
ask, “When’s the last time you got any sleep?” They will never ask when I last bathed or used the toilet, although I apparently never do those things either.